My babies are growing up. Annika is almost 16. Andrew is starting to grow facial hair. How much time have I wasted nagging them? How much time have I wasted being too busy with housework or other tedious tasks? Why didn't I just stop and play a game when Andrew asked? Now he doesn't want to play board games anymore. Why didn't I go on a walk with Annika? Or just go outside with them? How many "no's" and "maye later's" could have just as easily been "Yes's?"
I feel like when Cassie died something died inside of me too. I was so tired and sad. I just haven't been able to find my new "normal." I haven't found my groove. When the kids were little we used to dance, and have so much fun. We would sing out loud with the music blasting while I cooked dinner. We would cuddle at night and read books. Unfortunately, I was also dragging them around to the mall and other stores when I was bored at the house. Then, after Cassie died I barely even did that. I remember Drew saying, "mom why are you always so tired? You never used to be tired." He was only eight at the time and that broke my heart to bits.
I am still tired all of the time. But more than anything, now that Annika and Drew are teenagers I sometimes find myself hiding from the drama of it all -- in the bathroom. (where I am right now) So I am thinking - what am I hiding from? What am I missing? It isn't always fun dealing with teenage drama. Especially when your husband works 16 hour days and only wants to come home to a quiet house, where everyone is excited to see him and there are no issues. Virtually a world that does not exist with teenagers. No matter what I do I cannot make it so. But even so it is LIFE. I missing their lives. The good, the bad and the ugly. What happens when I spend all of their teenage years hiding in the bathroom? What kind of an example am I setting? What kind of relationships am I building? I suppose the same could be said of hiding behind household chores, books, computer work, scrapbooking, etc. The funny thing is that when I am really in the bathroom for legitimate reasons I am always being summoned as if I were just leisurely typing on my computer, or reading. I have ruined my bathroom time.
Right now Drew is spending the night at a friends, Annika is riding her horse, and Christopher is with the sitter downstairs playing games. The dogs are all in time out for trying to escape earlier and then trying to eat the UPS man - who we really rely on here in the little Rogue Valley. The house in a complete disarray. Dust is everywhere (remodeling). My desk is a mess - papers all over it. Bill is on his way home, we have a party we have to go to. And I just want to stay here in the bathroom and cry over all the years I lost when my children were mere babes.
I suppose this venting will have to do for now. Hopefully my children will forgive me someday for being such a slothful mother. A nag, an escapee, and a "tired" mom. For now I will just try to be better - one day at a time. Starting with turning off this computer and getting out of the bathroom and spending time with Christopher.
