HOW MANY BLOGS CAN THAT GIRL DO IN ONE DAY?

It feels like I went all year without brushing my teeth and I have a dentist appointment coming up so I am going to brush my teeth 730 times before my next appointment. . . but in blogs.  Just making up for lost time, or I have really been bored and this seemed more fun than watching TV and I am too tired to read (despite the 5 tantalizing books that are sitting right next to my bed, waiting to be ophthalmologically devoured).  

Here's an idea:

A little distraction that is often called retail therapy. . . .

Loving these booties from MICHEAL Micheal Kors!!!

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My new go-to color!  This is the it color this year!

Both items can be found at bloomingdales.com YUMMY!

January 12, 2015

Horse season is starting again.  Cha Ching!  Gearing up for this season is pretty exciting.  If everything goes as we hope, Annika will be going to Kentucky in July! Time is moving so quickly!

I am trying to think of ways to earn extra money to help pay for the horse show expenses.   As a "homemaker" I know how important my role is in being a stable presence at home.  I watched my brothers careen out of control in their teenage years and, unfortunately, they had a lot of freedom to do so because we had a family business and my parents had to work very hard.  I know I cannot control the choices that my children make or the futures paths that they will follow.  I do know that I am blessed to be here to hopefully guide them in the right direction.  If nothing else to set an example and remind them of how precious they are.  So, it's a dilemma.  Earn money from home is more of an option than it used to be - but I don't even know where to start.  I suppose that would be prayer.  After all God knows me better than I know myself and he also knows what is out there that I can do.

James 1:5
"If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him."

Just so you know, I will be asking!

January 8, 2015

Blogging is not my strongest suit.  Here goes another attempt.....  

Over the years certain phrases have been particularly poignant to me.  When I was first diagnosed with Lupus, a friend of mine asked me if I had figured out my "new normal."  In that instance she was, of course, speaking about what physical pain would be "just the usual" and what would be more than usual living with Lupus.  However, I can see the application of this question in so many other areas of my life.  It is now my favorite "go to" question.  As our children get older, and as our family changes with each new stage in their lives I am constantly evaluating our family based on the question of whether or not this is "a new normal."  

When I regard things that (as in the serenity prayer) I need to accept and I cannot change, I accept those things as our new normal.  I suppose that seems so simple and a little rhetorical.  It is probably what sane people do subconsciously. However, in the past, I have found myself stuck in a destructive loop of thinking that life basically stays the same and we all just have to "get through the tough stuff." I see now that those tough stages create permanent changes in all of us.  Regardless of how I react, if I fight it or if I learn from it, it will still create a "new normal" in my life.  There is no "going back." There is no "the good ole' days."  Trying to go backwards in life is like trying to undo plastic surgery.  

Haven't blogged for a while.....

Kind of at in a rough patch.  Had to get through some briars and thorns to get this far.  Hopefully, things will start to settle down.  What to do when your child does not believe in God?  Not just religion, but actually doubts the existence of God???  I am perplexed.  I understand teenage rebellion - very well in fact.  But regardless of my rebelliousness, I always knew there was a higher power I would have to answer to and could also turn to for help.  He has helped me so much in my life - "deserving" or not.  He helps me every day.  He is my reason for moving forward.  He is my inertia.  I can't imagine how dreary life would be without him.  And I am scared for my child who insists on ignoring his presence.  I know I can only keep trying to teach him.  And keep trying to help him see how much Heavenly Father loves him.  But in the end it will be something else that will drive him to his Lord and Savior.  I only hope that it isn't devastating.  I have such a strong testimony that my Heavenly Father has been there for me.  He has guided me in my life and he has helped me to be who I am today.  I love my child with all of my heart.  My heart is aching for him to have a better relationship with his Heavenly Father.  I am praying fervently for Heavenly Father to soften his heart and let His love in.  I am thankful for my own testimony and my ability to have the faith that someday Heavenly Father will be able to reach this very precious spirit.

Family.....

My babies are growing up.  Annika is almost 16.  Andrew is starting to grow facial hair.  How much time have I wasted nagging them?  How much time have I wasted being too busy with housework or other tedious tasks?  Why didn't I just stop and play a game when Andrew asked?  Now he doesn't want to play board games anymore.  Why didn't I go on a walk with Annika?  Or just go outside with them?  How many "no's" and "maye later's" could have just as easily been "Yes's?"

I feel like when Cassie died something died inside of me too.  I was so tired and sad.  I just haven't been able to find my new "normal."  I haven't found my groove.  When the kids were little we used to dance, and have so much fun.  We would sing out loud with the music blasting while I cooked dinner.  We would cuddle at night and read books.  Unfortunately, I was also dragging them around to the mall and other stores when I was bored at the house.  Then, after Cassie died I barely even did that.  I remember Drew saying, "mom why are you always so tired?  You never used to be tired."  He was only eight at the time and that broke my heart to bits.

I am still tired all of the time.  But more than anything, now that Annika and Drew are teenagers I sometimes find myself hiding from the drama of it all -- in the bathroom.  (where I am right now)   So I am thinking - what am I hiding from?  What am I missing?  It isn't always fun dealing with teenage drama.  Especially when your husband works 16 hour days and only wants to come home to a quiet house, where everyone is excited to see him and there are no issues.  Virtually a world that does not exist with teenagers.  No matter what I do I cannot make it so.  But even so it is LIFE.  I missing their lives.  The good, the bad and the ugly.  What happens when I spend all of their teenage years hiding in the bathroom?  What kind of an example am I setting?  What kind of relationships am I building?  I suppose the same could be said of hiding behind household chores, books, computer work, scrapbooking, etc.  The funny thing is that when I am really in the bathroom for legitimate reasons I am always being summoned as if I were just leisurely typing on my computer, or reading.  I have ruined my bathroom time.

Right now Drew is spending the night at a friends, Annika is riding her horse, and Christopher is with the sitter downstairs playing games.  The dogs are all in time out for trying to escape earlier and then trying to eat the UPS man - who we really rely on here in the little Rogue Valley.  The house in a complete disarray.  Dust is everywhere (remodeling).  My desk is a mess - papers all over it.  Bill is on his way home, we have a party we have to go to.  And I just want to stay here in the bathroom and cry over all the years I lost when my children were mere babes.

I suppose this venting will have to do for now.  Hopefully my children will forgive me someday for being such a slothful mother.  A nag, an escapee, and a "tired" mom.  For now I will just try to be better - one day at a time.  Starting with turning off this computer and getting out of the bathroom and spending time with Christopher.