Good-byes

Today is the first of the sad anniversaries.  It is the anniversary of the day that Cassie was stabbed and beginning of her end.  Two weeks later she was shot by her husband.  I just recently learned that she spoke to the EMTs when they picked her up.  She never spoke again.  She officially died on the 27th. Justin also died this month.  He died on the 16th, a few years after Cassie died, from a seizure due to bullet fragments in his frontal lobe.  Our only consolation is that Justin spent the 5 years after being shot completely changing his life.  He became a preacher and wrote a book about addiction. He remarried and had two beautiful little boys.  August 30th is Justin's birthday and September 1st is Cassie's birthday.

This past week being with my cousins was bittersweet.  I adore them and love being with them.  However, the youngest is Cassie's age and she reminds me so much of her.  There are three sisters - just like there used to be in my family.  Now we are down to one, me.  (My other sister died in 1992 in a car accident, she was hit by a drunk driver).  Ironically, the deaths of my siblings has made me even more reclusive.  I used be such a good friend.  Now I am the worst.  Most friends give up on me, save a very precious few.  (Note to the precious few - YOU ARE AWESOME!)

Everyone reacts differently to death.  Bill sees it all the time at work.  His perspective is different from mine.  After Mandy died I decided to live my life to the fullest.  I no longer gave into my fears.  Her death inspired me to be fearless.  When Cassie died things changed.  I had to fight battles I never imagined I would have to. Her death literally changed my entire family. (After years of court battles we were able to adopt her then 18 month old son).  The battles wore me out.  I was empty.  Then, when Justin died (the brother we all thought would somehow out live us all) I really snapped.  I remember flying out for the funeral and thinking "how can all of these people go about their business when my world is crashing down?"  I almost started screaming in the airport.

I have since been able to come to terms with these deaths - through various types of therapy.  However, the scars will never completely heal. 

The Rose Still Grows Beyond the Wall

Near a shady wall a rose once grew,

Budded and blossomed in God's free light:

Watered and fed by morning dew,

Shedding its sweetness day and night.

As it grew and blossomed fair and tall,

Slowly rising to loftier height,

It came to a crevice in the wall,

Through which there shone a beam of light.

Onward it crept with added strength

With never a thought of fear or pride,

It followed the light through the crevice length,

And unfolded itself on the other side.

The light, the dew, the broadening view

Were found the same as they were before.

And it lost itself in beauties new.

Breathing its fragrance more and more.

Shall claim of death cause us to grieve,

And make our courage faint or fail?

Nay, let us faith and hope receive,

The rose still grows beyond the wall.

Scattering fragrance far and wide,

Just as it did in days of yore.

Just as it did on the other side,

Just as it will forevermore.

A.L. Frink

Goodbye my sweet sisters and brother.  I will love you forever.

Cassandra Roberts Martin Died 8/27/2006

Amanda Roberts Died 1/12/1992

Justin Charles Roberts Died 8/16/2010