Haven't blogged for a while.....

Kind of at in a rough patch.  Had to get through some briars and thorns to get this far.  Hopefully, things will start to settle down.  What to do when your child does not believe in God?  Not just religion, but actually doubts the existence of God???  I am perplexed.  I understand teenage rebellion - very well in fact.  But regardless of my rebelliousness, I always knew there was a higher power I would have to answer to and could also turn to for help.  He has helped me so much in my life - "deserving" or not.  He helps me every day.  He is my reason for moving forward.  He is my inertia.  I can't imagine how dreary life would be without him.  And I am scared for my child who insists on ignoring his presence.  I know I can only keep trying to teach him.  And keep trying to help him see how much Heavenly Father loves him.  But in the end it will be something else that will drive him to his Lord and Savior.  I only hope that it isn't devastating.  I have such a strong testimony that my Heavenly Father has been there for me.  He has guided me in my life and he has helped me to be who I am today.  I love my child with all of my heart.  My heart is aching for him to have a better relationship with his Heavenly Father.  I am praying fervently for Heavenly Father to soften his heart and let His love in.  I am thankful for my own testimony and my ability to have the faith that someday Heavenly Father will be able to reach this very precious spirit.

Family.....

My babies are growing up.  Annika is almost 16.  Andrew is starting to grow facial hair.  How much time have I wasted nagging them?  How much time have I wasted being too busy with housework or other tedious tasks?  Why didn't I just stop and play a game when Andrew asked?  Now he doesn't want to play board games anymore.  Why didn't I go on a walk with Annika?  Or just go outside with them?  How many "no's" and "maye later's" could have just as easily been "Yes's?"

I feel like when Cassie died something died inside of me too.  I was so tired and sad.  I just haven't been able to find my new "normal."  I haven't found my groove.  When the kids were little we used to dance, and have so much fun.  We would sing out loud with the music blasting while I cooked dinner.  We would cuddle at night and read books.  Unfortunately, I was also dragging them around to the mall and other stores when I was bored at the house.  Then, after Cassie died I barely even did that.  I remember Drew saying, "mom why are you always so tired?  You never used to be tired."  He was only eight at the time and that broke my heart to bits.

I am still tired all of the time.  But more than anything, now that Annika and Drew are teenagers I sometimes find myself hiding from the drama of it all -- in the bathroom.  (where I am right now)   So I am thinking - what am I hiding from?  What am I missing?  It isn't always fun dealing with teenage drama.  Especially when your husband works 16 hour days and only wants to come home to a quiet house, where everyone is excited to see him and there are no issues.  Virtually a world that does not exist with teenagers.  No matter what I do I cannot make it so.  But even so it is LIFE.  I missing their lives.  The good, the bad and the ugly.  What happens when I spend all of their teenage years hiding in the bathroom?  What kind of an example am I setting?  What kind of relationships am I building?  I suppose the same could be said of hiding behind household chores, books, computer work, scrapbooking, etc.  The funny thing is that when I am really in the bathroom for legitimate reasons I am always being summoned as if I were just leisurely typing on my computer, or reading.  I have ruined my bathroom time.

Right now Drew is spending the night at a friends, Annika is riding her horse, and Christopher is with the sitter downstairs playing games.  The dogs are all in time out for trying to escape earlier and then trying to eat the UPS man - who we really rely on here in the little Rogue Valley.  The house in a complete disarray.  Dust is everywhere (remodeling).  My desk is a mess - papers all over it.  Bill is on his way home, we have a party we have to go to.  And I just want to stay here in the bathroom and cry over all the years I lost when my children were mere babes.

I suppose this venting will have to do for now.  Hopefully my children will forgive me someday for being such a slothful mother.  A nag, an escapee, and a "tired" mom.  For now I will just try to be better - one day at a time.  Starting with turning off this computer and getting out of the bathroom and spending time with Christopher.

Moving forward

In Sacramento at the last horse show of the year.  We are going out with a bang.  Annika is rocking it, and I am spending way too much!

lately I have been pondering my lack of wisdom.  I haven't done much to better myself.  I have just been on a merry-go-round, doing the same actions over and over without any new knowledge or activities.  My new goal is to start personal growth again.  Reading books, working out, and trying to be a better person.  I suppose it is easy to get in a rut sometimes.  Especially when you live your life primarily for your family. Aside from getting my hair done and buying clothes I shouldn't buy, I don't do anything for my own personal enrichment.  My mind is going to start to rot if I am not careful! I could stand to be more healthy also.  I was totally off pop and then I started drinking it again.  It totally tears my body up. That along with the sugar is horrible for my Lupus - and my figure!  So, starting now it is time to begin my personal growth. . . . I'll let you know how it goes!

Annika and Anka kicking butt at the Del Mar horse show.  What a beautiful pair!  After today's show we spent the rest of the day in La Jolla shopping at the galleries.  We found some great art for the billiard room!  I just hope Bill loves it as much as Annika and I do.  I can't believe it is already Thursday night.  We only have a few days left here, the time has flown by.  It is so beautiful down here.  But I won't miss the traffic!  As usual, as the summer winds down I find myself several pounds heavier.  All of this travel is hard on an "older" girl's waistline.  When we get home it is time to hit the gym hard! It is going to be weird coming home and sending the kids off to school the next morning.  I always miss them when they are away at school.  I am sad at how fast time is passing.  I just want to make the most of every moment we have them at home.  They are growing up too fast!

Drew's new hobby is so exciting!  I am already looking up racing schools I can go to.  It looks like so much fun!  He is a natural.  And he loves milk!  Watch out Tony Stewart!

The travels continue....

Getting ready for another horse show.  This one is in Del Mar, ca.  I always seem to have to little time to prepare! Especially when Annika and Drew start school the day after we get back!  Yikes!  How am I going to have time for them to be prepared?  I have been running around like a chicken with my head cut off trying to get everything ready, but it still not enough time!  I hope she has a good experience this go around.  Doing only equitation has been hard on her.  She wants to be doing Grand Prix today.  I suppose if I am going to be worth anything I will get some sleep. 😁

Good-byes

Today is the first of the sad anniversaries.  It is the anniversary of the day that Cassie was stabbed and beginning of her end.  Two weeks later she was shot by her husband.  I just recently learned that she spoke to the EMTs when they picked her up.  She never spoke again.  She officially died on the 27th. Justin also died this month.  He died on the 16th, a few years after Cassie died, from a seizure due to bullet fragments in his frontal lobe.  Our only consolation is that Justin spent the 5 years after being shot completely changing his life.  He became a preacher and wrote a book about addiction. He remarried and had two beautiful little boys.  August 30th is Justin's birthday and September 1st is Cassie's birthday.

This past week being with my cousins was bittersweet.  I adore them and love being with them.  However, the youngest is Cassie's age and she reminds me so much of her.  There are three sisters - just like there used to be in my family.  Now we are down to one, me.  (My other sister died in 1992 in a car accident, she was hit by a drunk driver).  Ironically, the deaths of my siblings has made me even more reclusive.  I used be such a good friend.  Now I am the worst.  Most friends give up on me, save a very precious few.  (Note to the precious few - YOU ARE AWESOME!)

Everyone reacts differently to death.  Bill sees it all the time at work.  His perspective is different from mine.  After Mandy died I decided to live my life to the fullest.  I no longer gave into my fears.  Her death inspired me to be fearless.  When Cassie died things changed.  I had to fight battles I never imagined I would have to. Her death literally changed my entire family. (After years of court battles we were able to adopt her then 18 month old son).  The battles wore me out.  I was empty.  Then, when Justin died (the brother we all thought would somehow out live us all) I really snapped.  I remember flying out for the funeral and thinking "how can all of these people go about their business when my world is crashing down?"  I almost started screaming in the airport.

I have since been able to come to terms with these deaths - through various types of therapy.  However, the scars will never completely heal. 

The Rose Still Grows Beyond the Wall

Near a shady wall a rose once grew,

Budded and blossomed in God's free light:

Watered and fed by morning dew,

Shedding its sweetness day and night.

As it grew and blossomed fair and tall,

Slowly rising to loftier height,

It came to a crevice in the wall,

Through which there shone a beam of light.

Onward it crept with added strength

With never a thought of fear or pride,

It followed the light through the crevice length,

And unfolded itself on the other side.

The light, the dew, the broadening view

Were found the same as they were before.

And it lost itself in beauties new.

Breathing its fragrance more and more.

Shall claim of death cause us to grieve,

And make our courage faint or fail?

Nay, let us faith and hope receive,

The rose still grows beyond the wall.

Scattering fragrance far and wide,

Just as it did in days of yore.

Just as it did on the other side,

Just as it will forevermore.

A.L. Frink

Goodbye my sweet sisters and brother.  I will love you forever.

Cassandra Roberts Martin Died 8/27/2006

Amanda Roberts Died 1/12/1992

Justin Charles Roberts Died 8/16/2010

Why is it that when you travel a lot it becomes easier to sleep when you are away from home, than when you are at home?  I suppose that when I am at home I fret about so many things that don't even cross my mind when I am traveling.  Bills, laundry, junk drawers that need cleaning out, and now school! I have to admit I have been a little uptight at home.  There is so many things to do I actually freeze.  I think that things will be better when the remodel is complete and I can fall back into some sort of natural routine.  Maybe even start working out again!  (so I keep telling myself)

We picked up Drew's go-kart today.  It was so fun watching him drive it.  He is a natural!  Now I have to learn to drive a trailer for sure.  What would we do without youtube?  At some point maybe I'll start to haul our own horse. Save some money on the horse shows - of course that means buying a horse trailer. . . is that really saving money?  It also means taking twice as long to get to the shows.  AUGH.  I'll have to really think about that one!

The down side of staying up so late is the potential snacking opportunities. More time awake means more time to eat!  Why can't I be like my friends who simply quit drinking and then lose 10 lbs.  I guess that means that if I drank I would be 10 lbs (or more) heavier!  Note to self:  don't start drinking!

The other day I looked at Drew and he was suddenly a young man.  He actually has facial hair.  I don't know when that happened.  He is still so lanky, but more mature.  He's a mini-man.  Annika is a full grown woman.  She is so beautiful.  It doesn't seem that long ago that I was pushing her around the house in the laundry basket making racing noises.  I just keep thinking about that book, "Love you Forever," where the mother rocks her son (even when he is a grown man) and then, when she is too old and frail, he rocks her. Makes me cry every time I think about it.  It's going to be a blink of an eye before they are fully grown and on their own.

Christopher is still full of youth. . . we have a lot of years left there :)  If I had a clicker (like the movie) I would spend most of the time on "pause."  I feel like I am constantly screaming "wait" in my head.  Wait for me to catch up.  Wait for me to burn a mental image of this time in my head before you keep moving forward.  Let me drink this time in.  Then, at the same time I am running around "doing things."  I don't want to do meaningless things, I want to play with my kids!